TOM CRUISE IS CRAZY, IMPORTANT

A new book is claiming that longtime Scientologist Tom Cruise has risen in the ranks and is now second in command of the controversial religion, based on outer space warlords trapped in volcano prisons and dead aliens attaching themselves to human souls.  Oh, and also, there’s this…

And author ANDREW MORTON says some followers have speculated that his daughter Suri may have been fathered using FROZEN SPERM from its founder L RON HUBBARD.Mission: Impossible actor Tom has rubbished the book by Brit Morton, who wrote Princess Diana’s biography Her True Story.Tom, 45, also denies claims that his ex NICOLE KIDMAN was told her sex secrets would be leaked if she criticised the “church”, and that he aims to convert pals DAVID and VICTORIA BECKHAM. Morton interviewed high-ranking Scientologists, or Sea Orgs — led by the mysterious David Miscavige.And Morton writes: “Some Sea Org fanatics wondered if the actress had been impregnated with Hubbard’s frozen sperm.

Scientology will do well with a keen mind like Tom Cruise in charge, even if he has been evasive about his role there in the past.  I cornered him in an elevator one time and said, "Tom, what's the deal with you and scientology", and he said, "uhh, uhh", then turned his back to me.  Then he turned around again with his finger under his nose so it looked like a moustache and said, "I'm not Tom Cruise".  And then I said, "I'm pretty sure you are".  Then he said "ring ring" out of the corner of his mouth, then put his thumb and his pinky to his ear and his mouth and said, "I'm sorry, I have to take this call".  He said it was President Lincoln, but frankly I had my doubts.