UPGRADE FOR TONY PARKER

Model Alexandra Paressant has been claiming recently that she had an affair with Tony Parker, who married Eva Longoria in July, and now she has shown the press several private text messages from Parker as proof.  Longoria's rep vehemently denied the allegations and tells Us magazine that their marriage is fantastic, but X17 Online says:   

X17online also has “samples of what she says are text messages with Tony exchanged at the end of September, just after the two slept together, Alex claims, at the Park Hyatt (where Eva and Tony and their wedding party stayed!).”He said that Eva sexually speaking does not want to do certain things. She does not want to make love in front of a mirror, does not like certain position and thinks that sperm gives acne”.

Wait, did that just say Eva thinks sperm causes acne.  Well that's a damn lie.  My sperm actually cures acne.  It also relieves headaches, stress, cavities, astigmatism, vertigo, hunger, fear of flying, traffic at the mall, rainy days and death.  One girl could even fly afterwards.  Swear to God, man!