THIS SUCKS

People magazine couldn't personally come to my house and wake me up by punching me in the balls, so they did the next best thing, they announced that Jessica Alba is pregnant.

Jessica Alba is pregnant with boyfriend Cash Warren's child, her rep tells PEOPLE exclusively."I can confirm that Jessica and Cash are expecting a baby in late spring, early summer," says rep Brad Cafarelli.Alba, 26, has dated Warren, 28, since the fall of 2004 after they met on the set of The Fantastic Four, on which Warren was a director's assistant.The couple have been seen being affectionate together in Los Angeles in recent days, shopping for mattresses last Saturday and attending a Lakers game, where they were spotted kissing Sunday.

The good news is there's still time to find Jessica and start punching her in the stomach before her perfect body begins it's terrifying metamorphosis.  I know it sounds extreme, but I've never been more certain of anything in my life.