KATIE HOLMES ISNT HELPING

Very obviously Tom Cruise has been plagued for years by rumors that he's gay, and every girlfriend or wife he ever has is just called a beard, and now Katie Holmes tells Us magazine some stuff that will do anything but help.

Katie Holmes has opened up about her one-year marriage to Tom Cruise, revealing his biggest turn-on.  "Tom likes me in a suit and a mini every now and then. I like it when he likes it. It makes me blush," she told the January issue of In Style. "He'll say, 'You look good. I hope security's going with you.' Now that gives me attitude."

Uhhh … hmm.  A suit, huh?  Like, a suit and tie.  And your hair keeps getting shorter and shorter, huh?  This is what we call "baby steps" Katie.  By next year, fully expect an interview where she says, "Toms new big turn-on is when I wear an old fedora and argyle sweater and smoke a pipe during sex.  And he mounts me from behind and does anal, and he likes it when I wave my arm back at him and say, 'you kids get out of there!  Damn kids!' "