JESSICA ALBA IS ENGAGED

I know I'm a day late on this but I've been traveling for two days and there you go, but Jessica Alba has been seen around lately with a big huge rock on her finger (bam) and now it has been officially confirmed that she is engaged to her longtime boyfriend Cash Warren.  People.com says:

Mom-to-be Jessica Alba was spotted over the Christmas holiday with a rock on her left ring finger – and the rumors are true: She and boyfriend Cash Warren are engaged, her rep confirms to PEOPLE."I can confirm that they are engaged," says publicist Brad Cafarelli.

This dude doesn't even really do anything, yet he snared the hottest piece of ass on earth, making this the biggest upset since I won that no-rules, underground MMA tournament in Thailand last year.  With that in mind, you might think I'd begrudgingly give him the respect he's clearly earned.  Yet, look, here I am, telling him to go fuck himself.