BRITNEY LOVES KINKY SEX, DOG SHIT

The New York Daily News and Star magazine must hate you – you personally – because their headline this morning is about a secret Britney Spears sex room where she keeps all her handcuffs and whips and stuff and the fact that she has fecal matter from her dogs and babies smeared all over her couch.  Delightful, yes?

…the plummeting pop star's Mulholland Drive mansion is equipped with a double-locked, X-rated "Fantasy Room" filled with ticklers, whips and fur-trimmed handcuffs hanging from the metal bedframe.  The second-floor room also features a mirrored ceiling, a glass jar containing spanking paddles and a closet full of kinky outfits"She wears Catholic schoolgirl uniforms, a maid's uniform and a Cinderella outfit … Britney is sexually obsessed," the source tells Star. Star's source also claims the house is a stinky sty — that the white couches bear hideous stains of diaper-changing and Britney's dog. According to the tab, a "court-appointed watchdog" is set to declare the place a potential "health hazard."

They also say something about her being pregnant again but thanks to a weak gag reflex, I never made it that far.  It's like this story was filtered through magic to inventory my nightmares and spill them onto the page.  I'm genuinely surprised there's not a paragraph about me going to the mall naked and sexy cheerleaders laughing at my penis.