THE SEXIEST WOMAN ALIVE

Whenever Esquire magazine talks about hot chicks it always sounds super fucking creepy.  It's like they found a guy parked near the playground and hired him to do an interview.  Or the guy from egotastic.  This is no exception, as they announce Charlize Theron as this years Sexiest Woman Alive.

CLOSE ON CHARLIZE's face. Her eyes hold the gaze of the camera directly, disarmingly. When she was younger, she looked like she knew she was hot. Now she looks like a person who knows exactly what's going on — everything sorted and rich in the possibility of desire, everything painful and cheap, cruel and unspoken in the world around her — and it does not scare her.CLOSE ON CHARLIZE's mouth, her lips bent in her particular smile, sexy and knowing, a little bit leering, just sweet enough that you feel wont to assume some connection, some secret between you. This is the big trick of sexiness. The big lie. But it's no trick at all for her. She bites down on the pack of cigarettes and unspools the cellophane with her teeth, a luscious and familiar dissection.

Jesus, settle down you fag.  She's gonna wake up one night and this dude is gonna be masturbating on her foot and he'll have a leather mask on with a zipper where the mouth should be a butchers knife in his free hand.  Which is especially weird since Theron is pretty damn ordinary.  This dude would rip his penis right off if he ever met Jolie.  Like you'd see him doing the interview, and then you'd see him in the ER an hour later with his penis in a glass of milk.