BRITNEY TURNED DOWN OPRAH

Oprah Winfrey reportedly invited Britney Spears to appear on her show this week for a tell-all interview and a chance to reinvent herself just before the release of her next album, but sources at Oprahs production company say Britney couldn’t even be bothered to return her call.

"Oprah called Britney personally," a Harpo mole gushes to Star Magazine. "But despite repeated attempts, Britney never had the courtesy to call her back."

Oprahs people should have said they were inviting Britney on a cooking show.  Britney would have jumped at that.  And then the show would open and they'd pull a curtain up and we'd see Britney sitting at a table rubbin her hands together and a napkin tucked into her shirt, and then Oprah could walk out and say , Hello Britney.  And then Britney would look real crestfallen as reality set in.  "So … wait … aww man.  Umm, I was led to believe I was ta be on that show with the karate fella, and they was gonna cook up a piggy.  Where's the piggy?  Thay said thay was gonna do like a hundred things with piggy.  And they was gonna be piggy staakes, and fried piggy and choklate piggy and double piggy porkchops.  (Britney looks around, starts to sniff)  Where's the piggy?  (a tear falls down her cheek)  Is the piggy backstage?  Won't … won't the piggy get cold?"