BRITNEY IS SO SCREWED

Yesterday, a Los Angeles Judge ordered Britney Spears and her hats to face twice-weekly random testing for drugs and alcohol.  Even without hearing the testimony from a former bodyguard that outlined more drug use, the judge said, "based on the evidence presented, the court finds that there is a habitual, frequent and continuous use of controlled substances and alcohol by Spears."   According to People.com:

Spears and ex-husband Kevin Federline may not consume alcohol or non-prescription controlled substances at least 12 hours prior to being with their children.Spears was ordered to meet with a "parenting coach" at least twice a week for a total of eight hours, according to court documents released Tuesday."The parenting coach is to observe (Spears's) interaction with the minor children and her parenting skills," the Commissioner wrote. The coach will provide lawyers on both sides with written reports, and will appear in court at the ex-couple's next hearing on Nov. 26.Both Spears, 25, and Federline, 29, have also been ordered to complete a program called "Parenting Without Conflict," and must enroll by the end of the week. They must attend joint co-parenting counseling, and both sides must decide on selection of a therapist by week's end.The commissioner also ruled that both sides are not allowed to use corporal punishment on the kids, and must refrain from making "derogatory remarks" about each other and their families.

Damn.  The only way this Judge could have owned Britney Spears any more thoroughly is, instead of explaining his ruling, he just had a donkey sneak up behind her and kick her in the back.