IT WAS THE BLACK GUYS FAULT

None of these guys really sound like they're gonna be picking up boulders with their oversized brains, but TMZ has an incredible interview this morning with three men who say they were in the car that Lindsay Loahn basically stole when she was arrested Tuesday morning for DUI.  They were at the party in Malibu with Lindsay when her assistant quit, sending Lindsay into a "rampage".  They say Lindsay was drunk and possibly high at the time and she took their white GMC Denali and raced down Pacific Coat Highway at 100 miles per hour, running red lights and chasing her assistant.  When they tried to grab the wheel and force Lindsay to stop, Lindsay said, "If you touch me I'll sue you."  When they asked her to stop and warned her they might get caught, Lindsay said,  "I can't get in trouble. I'm a celebrity. I can do whatever the fuck I want."  TMZ says:

The guys say Lindsay then began to chase (her assistant) at speeds of up to 80 MPH through Santa Monica, blowing multiple red lights.Dante realized the mother (of the assistant) was driving to the police station and warned Lindsay if she didn't stop she'd get in hot water. He says Lindsay responded, "I'm a celebrity. I'm not going to get in trouble."The two cars stopped in a parking lot near the cop shop. When police arrived, Dante says it seemed as if Lindsay told officers, "I wasn't driving. The black kid was driving."Dante and Jakon say they saw Lindsay flunk the field sobriety test. They say when she tried touching her nose, she almost fell over.As Ronnie put it "It was pretty much the worst night of my entire summer."

It's not clear at what point Lindsay put on someone else's pants stuffed with cocaine, but whatever.  Lindsay has big boobs and she wears clothes that fit like the band around a barrel, so who am I really supposed to believe.  She could be an invincible cyborg sent from the future to kill me for all I care.  Especially since, if she is an invincible cyborg sent from the future to kill me, maybe she can be reprogrammed to spread a message of love. Or to blow me.

(videos 2, 3 and 4 after the jump)