LINDSAY LOHAN IS A ROCK

Lindsay Lohan tells Allure magazine that she is the grounding force for her friends and family, and they tend to spiral out of control without her rational, level headed guidance.  Lindsay says:

"When my friends and family are around me I feel like they're safe . . . When my friends have left me – I've just seen everything collapse. They're not safe without me."

She also says something about partying and going to clubs, then immediately says something about not partying and going to clubs, but who cares, because before that she said her friends are only safe when she's around.  Which I can only describe with one word: sheer unadulterated lunacy.  This bitches life is a cartoon, if she showed up somewhere tonight wearing nothing but a barrel or the bottom half of a horse costume, you should have expected it.  But try as we might, my penis and I just can't stay mad at Lindsay.  She looks hot lately, and I swear that girl has some kind of power. Power over the very laws of penis itself.