EVERYTHINGS COMIN UP FEDERLINE!

It's finally official: Britney and K-Fed came to an agreement and signed their divorce papers.  So, so sad.  Kind of like a modern-day Camelot.  Except King Arthur is a stoned whigger, and Guinevere used to be the hottest thing in pop music until she got hooked on drugs and pooped out a couple of fuck trophies.  I'm not sure who plays Lancelot in this metaphor, but if you're wondering: yes.  Yes, I am a knight in shining armor.  Or, more specifically, YOUR knight in shining armor.  Call me ladies.

Wait, what's going on.  Oh, the divorce.  Right.

Sources say Kevin will walk away with $1 million and will share custody of sons Sean Preston and Jayden James, although the kids will continue to live with Britney.

So, to recap: a backup dancer got to live every red-blooded American male's wet dream by banging the hottest pop star in the world (editor's note: at the time. obviously), and now he doesn't even have to stay with her now that she's fat and bald.  And he doesn't even have to be a real father.  And he gets paid a million dollars for this.  Did this guy give God a blowjob or what.  I've spent the last few years thinking K-Fed's an idiot, but now I'm pretty sure he's an evil genius.  He just pretends to be retarded, like Edward Norton in The Score or Corky from Life Goes On.  –MU