BRITNEY SPEARS IS THE SON OF PERDITION

Britney Spears reportedly tried to hang herself with a bed sheet after scratching "666" in her forehead and screaming "I am the anti-Christ" while in rehab in Malibu.  Her dangerously irrational behavior is said to have relatives worried about her safety and the staff at Promises chemical dependency clinic struggling for answers.  News.com says:

The ordeal began when she terrified staff by writing the number of the beast on her head and running around the clinic screaming, "I am the anti-Christ!"  "The clinic people just didn't know what to do," a friend claimed.   The pop star then tried to hang herself with a bed sheet was but was found before she could hurt herself.

Chalk one up for Jesus if Britney is right and she really is the antichrist.  He’s gotta feel good about his chances vs. a short tubby white girl.  He was probably freakin out, assuming the Lawless One was gonna be some huge goat-bull-hoofed thingy, but turns out that it's a Mouseketeer whose powers include short shorts and practice at falling down.  None of this is to be confused with my reputation as a real devil with the ladies and my classy suits that combine flair with function.