THE ACADEMY AWARDS WERE BORING

Guh. I need to apologize to everyone because I usually live-blog the Academy Awards but I’m deathly ill right now and god-dammed Alaska Airlines left me stranded in Seattle yesterday, but here is what we might have talked about if I wasn’t high on vicodin last night:BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS WINNER JENIFER HUDSON – I'm not really sure what "Dreamgirls" was about and I don’t know anyone who would ever admit to seeing it, but if it didn’t have Nic Cage riding a motorcycle as a flaming skull, how good could it have really been. BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR ALAN ARKIN – it's nice to see someone who is Jewish finally have some success in Hollywood.  This win may finally open some doors.  BEST ACTRESS HELEN MIRREN – I have no idea who that is.BEST ACTOR FOREST WHITAKER – Finally the cast of "Bloodsport" is getting the recognition they deserve.  BEST DIRECTOR MARTIN SCORSESE – everything you need to know about how dumb these awards are can be found in the fact that this is Scorsese’s first Oscar.  I was so convinced Hollywood would fuck this up again and I'd go insane that instead of watching I called up the Puppy Bowl on Tivo.  Its puppies on a mat that looks like a football field.  Its freakin adorable!     BEST PICTURE "THE DEPARTED" – as one of the producers, I wonder if Brad Pitt gets a statue. Hopefully he does and that will finally drive Jennifer Aniston over the edge (in the divorce settlement, Aniston got the house, Pitt got the production company they started, which produced "the Departed").  So while Pitt was polishing his Academy Award and banging Angelina Jolie, Aniston will be wandering through the park and stabbing at demons.  Nice.