LINDSAY IS IN SERIOUS TROUBLE

The National Enquirer says that Lindsay Lohan has not kicked her drug habit and has in fact escalated to one of the most addictive and dangerous drugs known.  They say their source is a close friend who passed a polygraph and witnessed first hand Lindsay mixing, "cocaine and the prescription pain medication Oxycontin with vodka – a dangerous combination that keeps her awake and partying for days – before taking sleeping pills when she finally needs to crash".  Their source says,

"It's frightening. She'll take cocaine which pumps her up, then painkillers which numb her, and then smoke cigarettes one after another. And when she finally needs to sleep, she'll take Ambien to knock herself out.  And the longer she goes without sleep, the more paranoid she gets.  There are times when Lindsay really thinks people want to kill her. But she refuses to miss a night of partying."

I think a funny joke would be to go up to Lindsay and randomly whisper things like "you're insane" or "they're all laughing at you".  Then when she says "what" or "did you hear that", you just say no, I didn't hear anything.  Then when she climbs the water tower at Sony with an AK and a bottle of Jack, you can let her in on the joke and everyone will have a good laugh.  Then we can go get some oxycontin and just get freaky, man.