KEVIN FEDERLINE IS A HUGE STAR

The House of Blues in Chicago is now giving away tickets to Kevin Federlines show tonight because of poor sales.  The tickets are free, one dollar if he actually shows up.  "Playing With Fire", Kevin's debut album, will enter the Billboard charts at number 151 this week, after selling just 6,485 copies.  So what's to blame for the low sales?  Is it Kevin?  No, no it can be Kevin: 

If people didn't know who I was, a couple of the records that I've thrown out would've probably blown up huge by now. It would've just come out of nowhere — people wouldn't know what to expect.

AHA!  I knew it!  I knew there had to be a rational explanation! But there is good news for Kevin, because according to Kevin, the sales are sure to pick up any minute now:

I really think this album has the potential of going from the bottom of the barrel first week to selling a million, 2 million. It really does. The industry hasn't seen that in such a long time. Everybody's so worried about first week, first week, first week — make it or break it. I'm going to tell you right now, my first week might not be shit, and they might come out and say that my album bombed, but then the second week I'm going to sell more than my first week, and the third week I'm going to sell more than my second week. That's the climb, and it's gonna happen. I already see it happening.

And if you were to make a graph of his sales, and then stand on your head, it's happening already!  It's now number 5,345 on the Amazon sales chart, after opening this time last week at number 4,143.  Which is even more amazing, because I don't think there even are 5000 albums.  Like, total.  I think there's only been like 4,000 albums since the beginning of time, and yet Kevin can't outsell any of them.  Those god damn dogs who bark Christmas carols were in the top 10 last year, and those aren't even real dogs.  I think they're just on a computer.  So Kevin made a record, and some pretend dogs made a record, and the pretend dogs whopped his ass.  Way to go Kevin.  You must be very proud.

source = Salon