LEONARDO AND MATT ARE REALLY FUNNY

Everyone loves a good anal rape story, and the National Enquirer and Celebitchy are no exception:

Jack Nicholson was at LA’s Cedars-Sinai Medical Center to get a salivary gland problem checked out, waiting patiently in an examining room until two men in medical garb and surgical masks walked in and brusquely informed him they were interns sent to perform his “initial workup.” While one picked up Jack’s chart and studied it, the other snapped on a rubber glove, brandished a tube of lubricant – and told the superstar, “Roll over, please, sir…we’ll be doing a rectal exam.” Turning pale, Jack immediately launched into non-stop protest, questioning the outrageous “overkill” of a radical probe for a problem at his opposite end…and was stunned speechless when the “interns” suddenly erupted in hysterical, howling laughter! Ripping off their masks, jokers Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio – costars of Jack’s new flick, “The Departed” – giggled helplessly as Matt gasped at gob-smacked Jack: “Dude…just the look on your face was worth all the planning!”

Wait, do interns really do that.  Walk in with their masks on and everything.  Or is that just on TV and in homo-erotic practical jokes.  And I thought people like Jack Nicholson only existed in superhero movies.  They kind of person who doesn't recognize their co-worker because 4 percent of their face is covered.  Like, if my mom walked in the house wearing a scarf, I wouldn't call the cops and attack her with a baseball bat.  If a buddy of mine takes off his hat, I rarely leap back in astonished amazement, "AHHH, WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM!!!"