Teri Hatcher is the stuff of nightmares

If Ryan Seacrest is gay (and personally I still don’t see it), he couldn’t have picked a more terrifying beard than Teri Hatcher. Top experts agree that I’m the most hetero sex symbol on the planet, but I would rather blow Shaq in front of my parents than hold hands with this monster in a pitch black room with no windows.

This is Teri over the weekend at the GLAAD awards. Incidentally, Teri just signed a ridiculously lucrative contract to give her a piece of all ‘Desperate Housewives’ merchandising, a deal worth at least 6 million dollars. And they can’t make Teri unhappy, because, you know, how could they ever replace this.