The 78th Academy Awards

4:30 – There’s absolutely no chance I’m smart enough to remember any of this stuff tomorrow, so I’m just gonna scrawl down whatever dawns on me tonight. Feel free to chime in with your pithy jokes and shrewd observations in the comment section. For example, you could say, “What the hell is Michelle Williams wearing. Is she working at El Pollo Loco now, holding the sign out front with todays specials.”

4:44 – Jake Gyllenhaal looks pretty enough to kiss.


4:50 – Some giantess on ABC just described Brokeback Mountain as the favorite because it’s a “watershed culturally and really made an impact all over the world.” And she’s soooo right. My entire life has changed. I’ve never been so happy!


5:01 – even if you spend the rest of the night watching two guys blow each other, you’re not gonna see anything gayer than the new Oscar stage. Why not just put the Oscar statues in some cut-off daisy dukes and a cop hat.


5:03 – Billy Crystal can unfunny anything. He’s about as entertaining as getting your nuts caught in a bear trap. A bear trap on his nuts would make me smile though.


5:17 – nice even hand on the political stuff. Well done Jon Stewart.


5:30 – Ben Stiller is embarrassing. Watching him try to be funny is like watching your mom dress sexy. You just end up staring at the floor, praying for the moment to end.


5:35 – Dolly Parton is 119 and I would still totally hit that. Until science gets off their ass and figures out a way for me to have sex with Laura Croft, she would have the best body I’d ever gotten my hands on.


5:43 – Luke and Owen Wilson are on stage talking about ‘Bottle Rocket’. God damn I love that movie. Remember when Luke was hitting on the maid at the motel. And when Owen got his ass kicked. And when that Phi Mu gave me a hand job. What a sexy movie!


5:45 – did the acid just kick in or are there cartoons on stage. You guys see this too right.


5:50 – what lunatic in Hollywood decided we like Jennifer Aniston. Enough already with Ms. Personality there.


6:03 – Someone get Ben Stiller a tape of Steve Carell and Will Ferrell. See Ben, to be funny, you have to do something funny. Not just flop around like a retard. Green leotard. How outrageous. 90 percent of the world had no idea what the hell you were talking about, just that you were more awkward and lame than normal.


6:07 – the announcer mentioning ‘the Mummy’ and ‘the Mummy Returns’ as Rachel Weisz goes on stage to accept her Academy Award really cant be considered anything other than sarcastic.

6:20 – Defamer was tipped off about this, the Academy spelling Will Ferrell’s name wrong. Sure, maybe they could have looked it up before hand, but how!?!


6:35 – Keanu and Sandra Bullock? The theme from Speed? Where am I. What year is it. They should have prefaced that with video of clocks spinning backwards and trees turning into saplings and old men with long beards getting shorter. WTF.


6:41 – Hollywood is so goddamn full of themselves.


6:46 – Whats thicker, Selma Hayeks accent or her ass.


7:00 – Philip Seymour Hoffman in Capote believes you have his stapler. A red Swingline stapler.


7:05 – Philip Seymour Hoffmans acceptance speech: “And, and I told Don too, because they’ve moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn’t bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it’s not okay because if they take my stapler then I’ll set the building on fire