Jessica Simpson is not getting fat

Despite some internet rumors to the contrary, Jessica Simpson has not put on 33 pounds since filing for divorce from Nick Lachey. The Aussie tabloid New Weekly claimed that:

“(When) spotted on a recent shopping trip in Santa Fe, New Mexico, stunned onlookers could hardly believe their eyes as the singer-turned-actress perused the confectionary aisle. An eyewitness commented that Jess was visibly heavier in the arms and waistline. Self-conscious about her bulging belly, the singer attempted to hide her growing girth with an oversized handbag and baggy black T-shirt. But there was no hiding her double chin and sallow complexion as the gloomy star selected a chocolate bar from the display rack.”

Below are pictures from the same set New Weekly ran, and you can kinda see how this works. They took a few that were wildly unflattering and then just made up a bunch of vile lies about my beloved Jessica. As if this angel could ever be considered fat. Watch your ass New Weekly, or you may find out how many calories are in a knuckle sandwich, baby.