Sorta like this

LINDSAY LOHAN – spent her first day out of rehab at the gym, and HOLY CRAP she looks terrible. She’s 24. She looks 44. She’s aging faster than the Emperor when Mace Windu attacked him. (wwtdd)

JUSTIN BIEBER – is on the cover of Vanity Fair this month, and his mom says that, “after a personal encounter with God, she believes that she and Justin have been put on earth to bring light and inspiration to the world.” Wow, that’s the same thing I said in my manifesto about killing Justin Bieber. What a coincidence! (the superficial)

CHRISTINA AGUILERA – is not engaged, despite rumors to the contrary and what appears to be an engagement ring on her hand. So really I guess there was no point to this story. My bad dude. (people)

TAYLOR SWIFT AND JAKE GYLLENHAAL – have broken up. Aww, but the Swiffallennhall nick name was so melodic! (mtv)

RED DAWN – is being remade, starring Chris Hemsworth of Star Trek and Thor, and here’s the first look at the cast. You’re gonna find this impossible to believe, but Hollywood has injected a bunch of women and minorities into places where there were none before. Yeah I could hardly believe it either. (film drunk)

OUIJA – will be the second movie from Universal based on a Hasbro game (the first being Battleship, which opens May 18, 2012) and Terminator: Salvation director McG is in talks to film it. Oh hey, my ouija board is speaking right now. It’s saying, T – H – I – S – M – O – V – I – E – W – I – L – L – S – U – C…(deadline)

KIMORA LEE SIMMONS – went swimming with sharks. Ohh, this post started with such promise. (celebuzz)

JENNIFER ANISTON AND ADRIAN BRODY – might be dating. Mostly by default because these two have already dated every other living thing in Hollywood. (msn)

SAMANTHA RONSON – didn’t know that Lindsay Lohan was moving in right next door to her, said in an interview, “Trust me, it wasn’t planned,” and “I’m way too pissed off right now (to talk about it).” Lindsay is so awkward when it comes to getting a girlfriend back, if she were a guy, she would take her penis out and sit there whimpering. (tmz)

GEMMA ARTERTON AND JEREMY RENNER – will star in Paramount’s Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, which is about exactly what you think it’s about. They play Hansel and Gretel who have grown up and now hunt witches. Why do I get the feeling Ludacris will be in this. (variety)

ALEC BALDWIN – is in his final season on 30 Rock, and says he is “very, very interested” in running for political office when he’s done, probably Senator of New York. I would vote for him just to hear him yell at people. (breitbart)

VANESSA HUDGENS AND ZAC EFRON – dated for almost 4 years, then broke up a few weeks ago, but now they might be back together. They might as well date each other. It’s not like anyone else would ever date those fug monsters. (just jared)

KELLIE PICKLER – who is 24, married Kyle Jacobs, who is 37, on New Year’s Day in the Caribbean. I would have posted thos sooner but I kept falling asleep. (popeater)

GWYNETH PALTROW – will host Saturday Night Live for the third time on January 15th. My only concern is that I’ll miss some of the jokes because I’ll be laughing too hard. (abc)

TOSHIBA – has unveiled the first laptop capable of glasses-free 3D, which could forever change the way people masturbate to internet porn. (popular mechanics)

LINDSAY LOHAN – has moved into a house next door, literally next door, to Samatha Ronson. Why? Because she’s crazy, and crazy people do stuff like this. (wwtdd)

JESSICA SIMPSON – wore whatever the hell this all is in Aspen. God it’s like dating a toddler. (wwtdd)

GWYNETH PALTROW – says she suffered from postpartum depression after giving birth to her son Moses in 2006. “I just thought it meant I was a terrible mother and a terrible person.” And fat, Gwyneth, let’s not forget about fat. (good housekeeping)

MICHAEL JACKSONS – doctor, Dr. Conrad Murray, “seemed not to know how to administer CPR as he waited for paramedics to arrive.” Meaning as Jackson lay dying. In Murrays defense, there’s a lot counting involved. It gets very confusing. (cnn)

VIVICA A FOX – is 46, but she’s engaged to Omar White, who is 27. I’ve never heard of White until this moment, but I feel confident in saying that he’s a weirdo. (popeater)

LEANN RIMES – got breast implants. Perhaps. It’s hard to know for sure because women are demons, and demons can shape shift. (daily mail)

SANDRA BULLOCK AND RYAN REYNOLDS – spent New Years Eve together in Austin. And then they smoked weed and did it. Maybe. I’m not gonna lie, I didn’t read the whole thing. (people)

THE IPAD 2 – has no official specs yet but cases are showing up at this weeks Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas, indicating a thinner body, a front and rear camera and a new bigger speaker. I wouldn’t mind gettin one of those plaid shirts too if it was an option. (endgadget)

THE MECHANIC – stars Jason Statham and the horribly under rated Ben Foster, and now it has a very cool red-band trailer. The red apparently stands for blood, and “romantic!” (ign)

MEG RYAN AND JOHN MELLENCAMP – are apparently dating, forming the hottest tabloid couple of 1998. (people)

MARIO LOPEZ – was “kept dry by his minder” according to Pacific Coast, meaning he’s too fancy to hold his own umbrella. Why do you even need an umbrella? Who are you, Mary Poppins? Man up you fairy. (pcn)

BEN AFFLECK – is being mentioned as a possible Oscar nominee for directing the Town, which is surprising because that movie wasn’t very good. (variety)

NO STRINGS ATTACHED – is the new movie about a “friends with benefits” relationship between Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher, and now it has a new red band trailer. As if “starring Ashton Kutcher” wasn’t enough to get me in line all on it’s own! (trailer addict)

KANYE WEST – wore this ridiculous, and real, fur coat in NYC yesterday, and it’s kind of weird that rappers and old white women have such similar taste. They both like furs and track suits and gaudy gold jewelry. Represent, yo. (tyler)