Gwyneth Paltrow the Gathering

Gwyneth Paltrow took a big steaming Goop on eager attendees as her first annual “In Goop Heath Summit” in Los Angeles this weekend. Nobody even flinched at the use of cheap puns for clearly serious medical seminars.

The event proved that Paltrow’s sense of reality, like her career, has left the building. The description for In Goop Health reads like the have nots’ perspective of the haves in The Hunger Games. Most people identified with Katniss. Paltrow wondered if throwing Katniss in a blender with some goji berries and organic laxatives would make a fun workout smoothie. 

Self-loathing women who made the difficult decision between killing themselves or attending In Goop Health shelled out between $500 and $1,500 for tickets with varying degrees of exclusivity. Included in the event were:

…fitness classes and lunch or cocktails with Paltrow and featured panelists, lectures, organic foods and pampering treats like manicures, face massages, a hairstyling bar and goodie bags.

The lectures covered a range of topics from digestive health to sexual awareness. Hint: the solution to both is in a shake. Amenities such as hydrating IV drips and B-12 injectables could be purchased for an additional fee. This sounds like something the Onion invented for yucks. It’s not. You should be questioning humanity right now. Provided sustenance included kefir bowls, bee-pollen and matcha smoothies, and organic paleo wraps.

One attendee commented:

It’s the opportunity to have all of these leaders within the field come together in a one-day, one-stop shop.

These leaders included keynote speakers Cameron Diaz, Nicole Richie, and Miranda Kerr. Imagine all there is to learn from pretty models and babies Lionel Richie bought for less than the cost of admission to a Goop Health Summit. Rich bleached blond women have officially fashioned themselves into The Human Centipede. Paltrow’s at the front. Goop fans are in the back. The good news is Paltrow’s shit is fair trade and organic. The bad news, she’s extremely regular.