That Kid Rosie O’Donnell Bought Is Sharing Some Sordid Rosie Stories

There’s literally never a bad time to bring up the fact that you bought your kid form heroin addicts in defense of your parenting shortcomings. You think I’m a bad mom? Your mom sold you for a truck stop high. Eat those KFC veggie sides I don’t want, you ungrateful shit.

Two years ago Rosie O’Donnell reported her adopted teen daughter Chelsea missing from her New York compound and lesbian art nest. Rosie informed the world that Chelsea was off her psych meds and could be anywhere, definitely in danger. A large manhunt ensued. Chelsea was found in some dude’s apartment in New Jersey because he was the first guy online to say, sure, you can hide out here. She was underage. Which made him pretty fucking stupid. Also arrested.

Chelsea insisted she wasn’t kidnapped under duress, that her mom Rosie was a horrible blow pop sucking scrapbooker, and that she was running away and wanted to find her birth mom. Which she did shortly thereafter.

In response, Rosie O’Donnell began airing out Chelsea’s dirty laundry of mental and emotional problems. Basically calling her adopted daughter a psycho drug baby with a sub-par IQ. Which may very well be true, you just hate to hear it from the woman who adopted you to please one of her lesbian wives at the time.

Chelsea O’Donnell is now opening up about all the horrible shit she endured with high blood sugar Mommy Dearest. She told her story to the DailyMail, which giggles as an institution when anybody mentions fact checking, so veracity is impossible to judge, but the stories are amazing. Including that time Rosie was certain Chelsea had secretly gotten a tattoo:

“She picked up a wine bottle and started chasing me, trying to take off my clothes. She told me if I didn’t show her, if I tried to leave, that she would hit me with the wine bottle, call the police, and tell them that I had attacked her. She was holding it above her head and coming after me in her room. She kept trying to run after me and saying that if she really wanted to she could kill me, she’s that strong.”

There’s no way you’re not imagining that in your head. Rosie O’Donnell wrote back in her defense via short phrases and Tweets that her daughter is mentally challenged and her harrowing tales are all bullshit. Rosie noted how Chelsea met a guy at Dunkin Donuts not long after leaving home and got knocked up to marry the guy then lost the baby which maybe she never had. Point, Rosie. 

As a general rule of thumb, ninety plus percent of those that hold themselves out as wonderful parents of wonderful families are definitely hiding a closet full of empty wine bottles and shameful saturated fat snack wrappers. Yet there is a reason people would rather adopt an Asian or African refugee baby from half way around the world than a crack baby from down the block. You are looking at an astoundingly high chance of having a very disturbed teenager some day.

Maybe that is the case here. Or maybe she’s fine and Rosie O’Donnell is the Black Forest Witch. No way to know. You’re welcome to relish knowing there’s somebody out there sharing Rosie O’Donnell horror stories that Rosie can’t shutdown. It’s not a lot, but go back to picturing Rosie running around with a wine bottle shrieking, it’s got to be her best work.

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