Beyonce Dabs with Red Toilet Paper

Beyonce is going on a world tour. Apparently, there are teenaged girls and gay men in places outside the U.S.. But she’s not going without a list of demands, as evidenced in her tour contract rider, that little addendum that provides all of the artists customized requests:

• titanium straws to drink alkaline water kept at precisely 21-degrees
• all crew to wear 100% cotton only clothing
• plain off-white walls in her dressing rooms
• a new toilet seat at every event
• red toilet paper
• hand-carved ice-ball to suck after every performance
• glass platters of almonds, oatcakes and green-only crudités

Honestly, that doesn’t sound all that much more choosy than most prescription medicated Westside L.A. moms in their daily fanatical doings. But that red toilet paper. That’s a real mystery. I did a little digging. It turns out the red butt 2-plys have no significant difference from your standard whites. It’s just a style choice. A choice to wipe your ass with red. Are we to read into a deeper meaning here? Is Beyonce a communist? Is this the team color of the college she didn’t go to? Or, is it possible, just in some way, somehow, slightly possible that Beyonce is a needy self-absorbed crazy bitch? Yeah, I know, probably a communist.