Why Do Celebrity Dudes Get Married?

Demi Moore just filed for alimony support against Ashton Kutcher in their divorce proceedings. Since Demi Moore is worth a boatload of cash, take this legal move as a big fuck you to Ashton who cheated on Demi with between one and four-hundred and twenty-seven other women, driving Demi to become a Whip-It fiend.

Michael Jordan filed for a marriage license this week to make it all legal with his new squeeze. The last love of his life wife Juanita got $168 million in a divorce settlement that included testimony from the vaginas of dozens of women not his wife. Despite the massive payout, Jordan figures, what the hell, why not take a voluntary dip back into those waters. Dumbass.

There are many things in life that are mandatory, but marriage isn’t one of them. It’s a completely voluntary act that for some reason men with fame, money, and the ability to have endless amounts of sex with tons of women, still enter into willingly despite the immense odds that they will eventually be ass-raped in for their ode to romance. Why?

It’s okay to think with your dick. Just don’t let it start signing contracts.