This Is Not a Picture of Vanessa Hudgens Snorting Coke Off of A Topless Selena Gomez

This photo has been flying around the Internet something fierce over the weekend. You know what else flies around the Internet every single day? Complete and utter bullshit, on topics ranging from ‘secret Iranian nuke updates’ to ‘bear having sex with monkey — must see’. Ten years ago, my mom tuned into the Internet for a minute and declared that it was just a devil’s shitpit of lies and pornography, making her more prescient than any dude with a porkpie hat who wrote 5,000 word pieces for Wired at the time.

Combining the shitpit of lies and pornography, this purported photo from the set of Spring Breakers that  10,001 Tumblr accounts are now declaring to be Vanessa Hudgens snorting cocaine atop a topless Selena Gomez during shooting of the film. Even the dudes at 4Chan had a laugh at this, in between bouts of masturbating to the photo in their New Dehli-adjacent apartments.

The Internet moves faster than the speed of sound, or logic. Does anybody wonder how suddenly nine months after production ended, and after six months of the film being on festival tour, nobody who’s worked on the film or seen the film has even made mention of world-famous pop star Selena Gomez being topless? Would Selena Gomez be topless in a movie? Is the Internet going to fire up half-cocked next for Michelle Obama Naked Rose Garden Pictures or Melissa McCarthy Ass to Mouth?  (Actually, I know a guy who knows a guy who has photos of the latter and he says you have a hard time distinguishing between the two greasy cavities).

It’s  true, many celebrities have unexpectedly surprised us with snatch and top views from their hacked cell phone pictures over the past decade, but shit that goes down on set never goes unnoticed by at least twenty minimum-wage paid production assistants who have TMZ-pays-my-rent on speed dial. This isn’t Selena Gomez.

But, this really is, along with her co-stars, filming Spring Breakers…