MADONNA CAN DO IT ALL! POORLY!

Singing, acting, dancing, and now directing!  Is there anything Madonna can't do?!?!  Yes, as it turns out.  Those things would include, but aren't limited too, singing, acting, dancing and directing.  The first reviews for Madonna's directorial debut are in.  Try and guess if they're good.  The AP says:

Critics slipped their knives into Madonna's directorial film debut "Filth and Wisdom" on Thursday, but stopped short of a fatal twist."Madonna has made a movie and it is utter trash — pseudo psychology, cheap make-up, bad lighting and a hell of a lot of scenes shot without rehearsal," said the daily Der Tagesspiegel.

To be fair some people did afford her some very faint praise, and I just edited that part out because I hate Madonna and so fuck her, but overall people hated it. The very best review was 3 out of 5 stars, and there was only one of those.  The most scathing review was this one from London and this time I'm not skipping over the pleasantries.

Well, it had to happen. Madonna has been a terrible actor in many, many films and now she has graduated to being a terrible director. She has made a movie so incredibly bad that Berlin festival goers were staggering around yesterday in a state of clinical shock, deathly pale and mewing like maltreated kittens. Madonna has made a dumb and tacky comedy-drama about three people sharing a flat in a quaintly conceived "London" and her conception of super-cool streetwise reality is so clueless it's as if Marie Antoinette had made a film about cake-munching peasants. Madonna's script is a nightmare of crass and fatuous stereotypes: south Asians, Jews, gays – no one escapes her lack of insight or common sense. Despite living in Britain for many years, she has only the sketchiest notion of what the place is like. Her film reaches a Zen state of pure offensive awfulness when the lap-dancer's mentor comes round with a gigantic wad of £20 notes. How is it possible that the exhilaratingly talented star from that time has dwindled to such a dullard?

The only part I would disagree with was that she was once an "exhilaratingly talented star".  At her zenith, she was average looking, an average singer, and an average dancer.  Her only real talent was recognizing cool new producers and leeching off of them.  And if that sort of thing was so praiseworthy, my ability to score with the sexy teen runaways I give rides too would mean I'm also an "exhilarating talent" and not a "sexual predator".