Lindsay Lohan Goes Muslim

For unknown reasons Lindsay Lohan has become passionate about the Syrian refugee crisis, probably to get attention. She was in a Turkish camp wearing a hijab and shooting the shit with the huddled masses, even dawning a medical coat to ‘assist with pediatric medical checks.’ God knows what type of super AIDS or herpetic lice Lohan is harboring, and she should not be allowed around infants. But, fuck it, it’s a refugee camp, let’s get weird and experiment.

Lohan also revealed that she studies the Quran. The whole thing is flummoxing. It’s one of those rare occurrences which truly defies explanation. Please someone quiz her on the basics. Middle Eastern news site Al-Monitor reported that Lohan has been a huge hit:

“Lohan’s compatriot Angelina Jolie has visited the same refugee camps along the Syrian border several times, but she never elicited the gushing enthusiasm afforded Lohan… Lohan has waded into Turkish politics in a big way.”

You people prefer Lohan to Jolie? Holy shit your culture is fucked up! To be fair she’s been giving free blowjobs in a makeshift tent behind the honey wagons and it’s really boosted her popularity.

Lohan has officially jumped the shark. She most likely lacks the intellectual capacity or sobriety to understand much about the situation. This stunt would seem preposterous in a hamfisted Woody Allen satire. I know what you’re thinking, and no she should not be commended for bringing attention to the situation. She’s a walking disaster that no respectable person would return calls after a bout of small talk. She has never helped any situation. She’s under-qualified to help the valet guy find a lost ticket. Dealing with a humanitarian crisis is way over her head. So is ordering from Pink Dot. Please go away before you impossibly make this worse. Assad just high fived Putin.