Chelsea Handler Releases Her Report on the Election

Not many people can work through pain. The cold dead grip of misery can fell even the best among us. Chelsea Handler is not any ordinary woman. The smug comedian with the super obvious material spent day and night deconstructing the Hillary Clinton loss in the Presidential election to arrive at one undeniable conclusion. It was sexism.

Misogyny as well. Sexism’s twin sister of fiendish female subjugation. Also male privilege, patriarchy, and racism. Like a veritable stew of SEO friendly feminist buzzwords. Handler felt obliged to share her thoughts on the Thrive Global blog where it was certain to be seen by the right kind of people, if you know what I’m saying. To color herself truly thought provoking, Handler used five hundred words or less to describe Hillary Clinton as a Mother Theresa meets Barbarella type figure, then blamed weaker women for the election loss. Well, white women. White women under the threat of male mistreatment:

And yet, when Hillary Clinton?—?with her long, accomplished record of public service who left the office Secretary of State with a 69% approval rating just a few years ago?—?presented herself on the presidential ballot, white women of America reactivated their prehistoric Pavlovian reflexes and fell obediently as they reincarnated the great female penchant for self-mutilation so brilliantly articulated by H. L. Mencken:

“Misogynist: A man who hates women as much as women hate one another.”

It’s hard to see your team lose the Super Bowl. You rarely still see guys crying in July and blaming the refs. Or using the term Pavlovian reflexes.

Handler used her call to progressive female arms to urge women to rise above the petty jealousies none of them admit exist and come together to defeat the common enemy. Unnamed, but presumably white men. Cherokee braves get off completely in Handler’s model. Also gay dudes from Ecuador, scot-free, if not a key part of the solution.

Someday, in a moment of total clarity, guilt-ridden super privileged TV people who fancy themselves deep thinkers and global citizens will come to understand how they helped boost Donald Trump to victory in the 2016 election. It’s going to be one of those “gulp” moments. Handler will likely be topless on Twitter hyping her pending talk show on Hello Giggles livestream. You simply can’t contain rogue. 

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