Lindsay Lohan Maybe Turning Muslim

Rumors are going around that Lindsay Lohan may have converted to Islam, although she’s probably just trying to marry one of the several rich Arab guys she’s fucking. She’s lent her likeness to some clubs in Greece and has recently been exploring business opportunities in Dubai, which will be the start of the last act of her E! True Hollywood Story, probably already in the can patiently awaiting tragedy. 

Lohan deleted all of her Instagram photos and changed her bio to simply “Alaikum Salam” which means “Peace unto You” in Arabic. Dumb people really like saying minor phrases in other languages, thinking it’s more powerful if you have to Google it. If they ever bothered to learn the entire language, they’d realize it isn’t.

Lohan will probably never master Arabic, mostly because it’s obviously a fad or attention plea, but also she’s dumb and brain damaged, and because she’ll obviously soon be stoned to death. A lot of these guys are bent out of shape over cartoons. You’re a famous American slut and drug addict. Your average moderate or extremely liberal Muslim probably won’t appreciate this. Neither will your average moderate or extremely liberal Christian or Jew of Buddhist. They’re just not going to kill you.

Whatever business venture you’re working on over there, you may have just put it on the map in a bad way. I heard this club rocks but why are they issuing bullet proof vests at the door? We lasted nearly two millennia without the herp.

_{Photo Credit: Instagram}