Anderson Cooper Walked Out Of Star Wars. The Reason Will Shock You

Getting paid to read off of a teleprompter in between gnawing on Andy Cohen’s taint is very stressful and time-consuming, and if you ever had any doubts, just listen to the reason that Anderson Cooper walked out of Star Wars: The Last Jedi. I originally meant for the title of this post to be a joke, but honestly, the reason that Cooper walked out of Star Wars – his insanely busy schedule that you commoner garbage couldn’t possibly understand – really is shocking. Picturing Cooper being able to fill up half his day is a head-scratcher, so the idea that he couldn’t sit through a movie leads me to believe he’s up to something that he’s not disclosing. Visits to the.. rhymes with spastic sturgeon. I don’t want to get sued. Here’s what Cooper had to say during what sounds like a riveting exchange with Stephen Colbert on The Late Show:

I actually saw it last night, I walked out. I know, I’m sorry. I have a lot going on, I had a lot of work to do and a lot on my mind. It wasn’t a protest, I’m going to see it again. I had too much in my head. About 45 minutes in I said, ‘I’m not giving this the attention it deserves.’

And yet you’re using it to give yourself the attention you don’t deserve. Interesting. I want to know if this was after or before Luke sucked on that sea cow’s milky tits. Because if that doesn’t hook you, you sir don’t get cinema. Cooper has been on an intense ho stroll ever since he located a bus, picked up Kathy Griffin, and threw her muppet ass under it for good – replacing her with Andy Cohen for CNN’s New Year’s Eve Screeching Miserable Blowout. Cooper is hitting these next 361 days hard, because the hoing and strolling don’t show any signs of letting up. He managed to get his name in a headline with Star Wars. There’s probably something going on in politics or world events that he could cover. But fuck that. At the time of this post, the clip above is the #7 “trending” video on YouTube. Now we wait for the one about the time he started to read a book but stopped. But promised to read the rest of it. I like where entertainment is going.

Photo Credit: YouTube