Massage Envy Spas Prove That Women Don’t Like Happy Endings

In what may come as a surprise to people who don’t think things through logically, the nation’s largest strip mall franchise massage parlors stand accused of having rogue masseurs touch their female clients sexually. You’d think an unregulated service industry based around women being naked and alone with men in tight white pants in private rooms would be far more sincere. You’re wrong.

Dozens of women have come forward with stories of unwanted touching by men with high school degrees and no felony records at Massage Envy, the nation’s largest rubber of sore backs and necks. Massage Envy has more than 1.8 million registered members nationwide for their 1,200 locations. Buzzfeed counted 180 women with complaints against male masseurs at the locations for inappropriate touching to downright sexual assault. These aren’t clawing Hollywood actresses, so assume the allegations are largely true. 

Statistically speaking, this means that one in ten thousand customers have been victims at these massage locations. It’s maybe one in a couple thousand if you only apply this to female customers, but still likely far less than you would’ve guessed given women in towels laying supine on tables and poorly paid guys working out their kinks. 

To layer on the sinister conspiracy element, Buzzfeed pointed out how Massage Envy corporate worked diligently hard to cover up these allegations. In contrast to most large companies who love to highlight the small criminal element in their employee mix and encourage customers to abandon them in droves. Whereas nobody’s willing to admit that drive-by massaging at a strip mall is a bad idea for women, far worse when choosing dudes to handle their bodies. Presumably, that’s entirely optional.

Stories like these grow in hysterical proportion. Next will be outraged over fixed races at the horse tracks and a disbelief that rich people aren’t paying their nannies via W-2’s. In a day and age when beloved trusted news men are whipping out their dicks in PBS meetings, maybe letting that total strange rub your naked back next door to the Pepperidge Farm store isn’t such a strong idea.