Pirates of the Caribbean Evolving Into Better Men

Pirates were really horrible guys it turns out. Brutish, sexist, misogynistic, racist pigs. On a future PBS show, Ben Affleck will apologize for the pirates in his ancestral tree. 

Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean amusement park attraction is repurposing the Bride Auction scene into something less blatantly offensive to modern sensibilities. The historically apropos “Auction: Take a Wench for a Bride” sign will be replaced by “Auction: Surrender Ye Loot”. The prominent redhead all the pirates are eyeballing will be replaced by a male pirate supervising the strong-armed robbery. Way to kill jobs for women.

Disney executives were quick to point out they were not altering the vision of the original attraction designers, while obviously altering the original attraction. Sort of like how in the new edition of Huck Finn, Huck and his Missouri denizen will apologize to Jim for their bigotry after an inspiring court ordered seminar on racial tolerance.

Disney V.P. Kathy Mangum put it best by completely avoiding the topic of historical revisionism:

“Our team thought long and hard about how to best update this scene.”

Can’t argue with long and hard thinking. It’s a winning defense to questionable decisions since forever. Like how the Chargers thought long and hard before drafting Ryan Leaf. Or merely the plan to PC up the Pirates ride based by removing all signs of sexism in 1600’s sea faring barbarian life.

Disney calls the move a response to make the attraction more family friendly. You’d like to see the paperwork on where the wench auction Pirates mannequins actually landed on customer surveys of their visit to the Magic Kingdom. Did it really beat out “I’m paying $150 a head to stand in long lines and watch cholos finger bang their baby mamas?”. 

The time to lament the flocks of zealots, be they ISIS clerics or Middlebury College women’s studies majors, in wiping out portions of history they find heretical is over. George Washington High is becoming Hands Up Don’t Shoot High and there’s nothing you can do about it. You don’t have to support Disney, but you will.

Like ESPN who has all the games, Disney has Marvel and Star Wars. Don’t have children. Mickey Mouse is now lactose intolerant and giving speeches on the rodent human trap and release. It’s the least brave new world ever.

_{Photo credit: FullDisney/Instagram}