Chrissy Teigen Not Collecting the $45K Kardashian Surrogacy Bounty

Chrissy Teigen offered to be the surrogate for Kim Kardashian’s third child. Outwardly, she seems a perfect match. The nearly identical levels of zero discernible talent yet large fan base by way of black music artist fucking and shameless sharing is like looking into a mirror.

You may recall that Kim Kardashian suffers from a medical condition that requires doctors to fist her like a Bulgarian sex worker during baby delivery:

“My doctor had to stick his entire arm in me and detach the placenta with his hand, scraping it away from my uterus with his fingernails. How disgusting and painful!!!”

Or the trailer for my next sex tape to be released in the Far East. Kanye’s putting together a killer track about his lady’s busted out baby hole as an Easter Egg on the DVD.

Kim Kardashian declined Teigen’s offer because deep down she knows she wants her third media prop born of a woman that doesn’t smell like an improperly washed gym towel. Rather, Kim and Kanye are hiring out a surrogate through a completely discreet service that is slightly less discreet since Kris Jenner anonymously shared with TMZ the details of the financial arrangements:

45,000 in ten, $4,500 monthly installments — If there are multiples, the surrogate gets $5k for each additional kid — If the surrogate loses reproductive organs, she gets $4K.

As the surrogate I might at least ask why the call out for losing my reproductive organs. Even Satan let Rosemary keep her uterus when bringing his heir into the world. The surrogate is restricted from any kind of unhealthy behavior, minus those that can be used by the Kardashians to create dramatic fodder for future episodes of the show. Expect Disick to fuck the surrogate in a hot tub and risk loss of the child. Season ending cliffhanger. I might watch.

Kardashian explains that being robbed in Paris has made her realize that life is tenuous. Therefore you should make as many babies as possible for your nannies to raise while you can. Imagine Forrest Gump saying it and it seems more quaint. You can’t win an argument with Kim Kardashian because she has no idea what you’re saying and in the ten minutes you spent making a point, her net wealth increased by four hundred grand.

Elevating circus freaks to false gods isn’t why ISIS hates us, but if they had said that they would’ve been way more popular. 

_{Photo Credit: Getty Images / Instagram}