Juno Gender Biased Table Read

Director Jason Reitman is staging a live table read of Juno, a ten year old movie he directed which nobody has talked about in ten years. The table read will benefit Planned Parenthood. Can’t we just donate twice as much and skip this thing, Honey? The level of discourse around the cheese table at intermission may lead to you trying to stab yourself with a broken mini bottle of Sutter Home merlot. Fair warning. 

Ellen Page and Jennifer Garner will both be back in their original roles, but all of the male characters, including those played by Oscar winner JK Simmons, Michael Cera, and Jason Bateman, will now be played by females. That seems like an interesting call, since the movie is about a guy fucking a chick and her becoming pregnant by his cum. Also, she chooses to carry the baby to term rather than abort. That’s a fifteen yard penalty at Planned Parenthood for taunting.

It seems regressive to shut men out of the reproductive conversation since they’re half responsible for all of reproduction. How is this going to work, is Ellen Page going to bump uglies with Ellen DeGeneres and immaculately conceive an areligious Baby Jesus who tweets about gender pay? Is Reitman going to cease casting men in his movies and chop his dick off because he’s so ultra progressive? Also, jealous to hell of Judd Apatow who beat him to the punch. Did the male Jason Reitman actually direct the movie still or do we need to seize all copies and blur out his shameful traditionally male name? What about the boom mic guy with the beard and the Harley vest, is his name Dorris now in the credits? What the fuck are you talking about?

It’s to be assumed this hasn’t been thought out too clearly. The Future is Female according to coffee mugs and placards. While it’s completely unclear what that means, it appears women are going to be doing a lot of things on their own from now on. Some of these things people will pay attention to, most of the time, not. 

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