Brooke Shields Is a Crappy Escort

Richard Lugner is that Austrian mall developer who pays half a million to one Hollywood celebrity chick every year to be his date to the grand Viennese Opera opening. Fifty bucks gets you a street hooker. Half a million buys you a B-list celebrity and a vague promise of a happy ending. The parts are dusty but the instinct finely oiled.

In the past Lugner has invited Paris Hilton and Carmen Electra and Kim Kardashian and other infamous female celebrities who will sit on his lap and titter and indulge a dirty old rich man for cash. This year he invited Brooke Shields. He must be channeling a little dementia on seeing Brooke suntanned and underaged in the Blue Lagoon just last week. Shields is now fifty and married and her last three books were on postpartum rage, menopause, and home electrolysis. In the very least, your negotiating skills suck. Trump would’ve brought her in at two-fifty then made her apologize for aging and dry vagina.

Octogenarian industrialist just went through seven glasses of something bubbly. Wake him in the morning with a slap on his compression stockings, call him a wicked devil, and ask for a bank check. Your kids will never thank you for putting them through college. Not enough.

Photo credit: FameFlynet