Justin Bieber Stoned Cold Roasted

Comedy Central filmed their Justin Bieber Roast over the weekend because they needed the money. A bunch of athletes and rappers and comedians who’ve never met Bieber roasted him with generic sex jokes primarily regarding Selena Gomez. They also invited Martha Stewart because that’s just funny. The Kardashians guffawed from the front row, prodded by invisible fence collars that let them know when something was funny. Bieber suffered through it, before reciting a few one liners provided by his writer and then got to the reason he put up with this shit in the first place. The grand mea culpa:

There was really no preparing me for this life. I was thrown into this at 12 years old, and I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into. There’s been moments I’m really proud of and a lot of moments I look back and I’m pretty disappointed with myself for. But the things that I’ve done really don’t define who I am. I’m a kind-hearted person who loves people and, through it all, lost some of my best qualities. For that, I’m sorry. But what I can say is that I’m looking forward to being someone you can look at and be proud of. Someone close to me once said how you rise from a fall is how you are truly defined as a man

And with that, every single element of what could possibly ruin a comedy roast was officially deployed. Bieber was hustled onto his private jet to get wicked baked and fly to Vegas to take half a mill for hosting his birthday party two weeks late at the new Caesar’s Nightclub. People looked at him and tried to be proud.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet