The 2014 Critics’ Choice Television Awards Occurred

Texting girls get to pick out the winners in the People’s Choice Awards. Old people with oblong goiters vote on the Academy Awards. Foreigners with sexual assault charges pending in Moldova get to select the Golden Globes. The TV Critics Choice Awards is the one chance for miserably failed artists to have their voices heard. What TV shows do fat guys who take great care in selecting their eyeglass frames like to watch when they’re not catfishing teenagers online? Apparently, it’s not network television. Big Four network shows continue their eighty millionth decade of decline in the face of F/X and premium cable TV where writers are able to create shows they want and then cherry top them off with tits and swearing. Even in 2014, Procter & Gamble and Indiana  still hate tits, so ABC/NBC/CBS/Fox are left spitting out assembly line melodramas for people who fondly recall when there were no remotes. The average age of a CBS viewer is rigor mortis. I’m looking forward to the fact that in my golden years I’ll have one touch access to unlimited digital porn. Holographs would just be a bonus.

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