Nigerian Militants Cower in the Face of Hollywood

Boko Haram just wanted to be left alone to spiritually connect with Allah and maybe go fishing or rape a few hundred Christian schoolgirls on their Sundays. These men of faith never expected to face the wrath of celebrities with a catchy hashtag. Rod Stewart’s wife and daughter, I can’t tell which is which and neither can Rod, joined the force of the #BringBackOurGirls protestors in L.A. demanding the return of the kidnapped Nigerian schoolgirls. What military and political threats could not achieve already seems to be working under the sheer weight of celebrity social media. Boko Haram is backing down from their ‘we stole them, we own them’ stance. They’ve agreed to release the girls in exchange for some of their brethren being held captive in brutal and fetid Nigerian prisons, or what is more commonly known as just Nigeria. It’s unclear if the government will agree to these new terms, but rest assured if something isn’t done soon, there will be retweets!

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News