Valentine’s Is Fucking Horrible

There’s no reason for this particular holiday. I understand that somebody gets assassinated or helps found a country or lays their life down in battle or organizes strawberry pickers so they get twenty cents an hour rather than just twelve, they get a big holiday. But love doesn’t deserve a holiday because love is contrived bullshit. Here’s a fact, even your dog doesn’t love you. You think he does, but try not feeding him for a week. He’ll eat your dick off as you sleep. So, he loves you when you feed him. And when you don’t, he bites your dick off. People are pretty much the same. “I love you” is an expression of hope that you will give me some shit I need. It’s survival instinct, like coughing or not joining John Travolta in the showers after racquet ball. There’s nothing wrong with doing what you need to get what you need, it just doesn’t deserve a holiday.

Kelly Brook’s been in love with an awful lot of different men. Does she get take-backs on her misplaced affections? She does not. And she has huge honkers. What do you think your chances are? I think you see what I’m saying. Fuck you, Cupid.

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