Judge Sentences Justin Bieber to Death!

Justin Bieber faced the judge in Miami this morning after his DUI and expired license and street racing arrest and the judge gave him… $2500 bond. It was beyond exciting. CNN landed a helicopter on the courthouse rooftop with thirty-seven television reporters to cover the Justin Bieber arrest after somebody at Time Warner noticed that not a single person had watched CNN for the past six years. Justin was represented by Roy Black, the defense attorney famous for getting William Kennedy Smith off on his rape charges 20 years ago, and more recently getting Rush Limbaugh sentences to a couple rounds on the golf course for scarfing up ill-gotten Oxy. Justin didn’t say a thing. His hair gel also remained quiet. Somebody rightfully advised him not to flash gang signs of flip off the judge to keep his street cred with the homies because he’s not actually black or going to prison and he’s starting to scare America.