Mischa Barton Scores Sex Tape Restraints

Wherever you find a female D-list celebrity in need of a turd polish, you’ll find attorney Lisa Bloom. She’s the Better Call Saul for women whose IMDB credits ended in 2007 but still aren’t dead.

Last week Bloom provided legal counsel and microphones for Kathy Griffin to explain her subjugation at the hands of a world that doesn’t understand her genius. This week, she’s scoring victories for Mischa Barton in an attempt to block her ex-boyfriends from releasing her sex tape. 

The convoluted manner of how Barton’s sex tape came to be in the hands of both of her two most recent fuck buddies isn’t worth detailing in full. But in summary, one made the tape, then it turned out they knew each other, one tried to sell the tape and one tried to steal back the tape from the other, but got caught, now both are trying to sodomize themselves with the thumb drives. Some shit like that. Imagine you’re deep down the Less than Zero rabbit hole and it makes sense.

Barton and Bloom raised arms in the air to celebrate a judge ordering both former boyfriends to never sell or release any images from the sex tape. Sale was never really an issue. There are numerous serious laws preventing unilateral sale. Releasing for free on your Pinterest could be another matter. Is it revenge porn or merely a selfie of you eating Carl’s Jr. while coincidentally donkey punching a mentally ill woman? The world may now never know.

The combination of Barton’s unchecked crazy and the surrounding enablers have produced a horrible year for her. She deserves a win. It’s untoward for a guy to video tape himself fucking a chick. Even if she’s cool playing Kardashian, you need to fuck her off-camera in the manner of your ancestors. Nothing good comes of being the man in a sex tape. 

_{Photo credit: Lisa Bloom/Twitter}