Tom Brady’s Jersey A Hot Item

The jersey Tom Brady wore in the Super Bowl was reportedly stolen from the Pats locker room, quite possibly by one of their incredibly shady equipment managers. The jersey is estimated to be worth up to half a million, or if you’re reading this a year from now, ten grand. What really separates one jersey from another? Get one on NFL.com and go slide around on the lawn for an hour, your friends will be none the wiser.

Texas lieutenant governor Dan Patrick has pledged that the Texas Rangers will be on the case, so refrain from committing any armed robberies or even participating in any peaceful protests until the jersey is recovered in a Boston tavern caked with vomit and semen: 

“In Texas we place a very high value on hospitality and football. Tom Brady’s jersey has great historical value and is already being called ‘the most valuable NFL collectible ever.’ It will likely go into the Hall of Fame one day. It is important that history does not record that it was stolen in Texas.”

It should be noted this guy is the second most powerful man in the government of Texas. Is it any wonder homeless encampments dot every street and the average American is functionally illiterate? This is the type of thing the people we elect concern themselves with. Don’t you have a teen birth rate to address, second most famous Dan Patrick? 

Also, how is it the most valuable NFL collectible ever? What are you a teenage girl prone to hysteria? It’s more valuable than the first game ball or the actual Lombardi Trophy? Get the fuck out of here. Also, why is it always the jersey? Can’t the weirdos who buy this shit go with pants every now and then? Why not underwear, most of them just want to bang Tom Brady anyway. See that white spot, that was right after he threw the winning touchdown. Also check out the framed document next to it, it’s a copy of my divorce. 

_{Photo Credit: Fox}