Madonna Nabs Two More African Kids for Her Collection

As Madonna’s older kids are reaching teen years and disavowing her for being horrible and self-serving, she’s replacing them with African toddlers who know their place. Is Mom pegging gay Moroccan dancers half her age? Like I care. Last week I was eating bugs and floating eleven dead relatives out into our drinking water river.

A couple weeks ago Madonna was seen in Malawi with a couple cute little twin preschool aged girls, though she insisted at the time she was merely there to do charity work. Some basic plumbing and construction work likely. She’s super handy. Two weeks later and the secret paperwork has cleared and Madonna proudly boasted adopting the girls, Esther and Stella, were coming to live with her nannies in New York City. Maybe London. Or the Malibu place. They can’t be separated yet. They’re still puppies.

Madonna’s last African adoption ran into some difficulties when the father of the kid insisted Madonna swooped in like a hawk and plucked his kids away from a local woman who he’d made a deal to sell his kids. You know the old slogan, Keep It in Malawi. When you’re the world’s most famous African baby buyer, people are going to talk. This time Madonna smoothed things on the down low.

Now would be the time to mention the wonderful lives these two girls will have living under Madonna’s patronage. Africa is an obvious shit hole. Madonna as mother is a shit hole of a less obvious kind. Consider how well they’ll blend into family photos. Those highly publicized all-family walks to the MOMA for vegan gelato and culture. Mom offering blowjobs to Hillary voters or to blow up the White House in front of screaming hordes just far enough away not to notice how much she resembles the skeleton of their aunt who died a decade previous. The girls are four. That’s a dozen years before they can get heavily into pot and runaway. You have a dozen years to pray for them. Go.

_{Photo credit: Madonna/Instagram}