Toni Braxton Discovers Cure for Autism

It was just a decade ago that Jenny McCarthy and her team of scientists living in her brassiere discovered the cause of autism, now singer Toni Braxton has found the cure. All future Surgeon Generals and CDC chiefs will be chosen from currently airing CW shows. 

While autism is viewed almost exclusively in the medical and scientific community as a neurological disorder and currently untreatable at the root cause, numerous celebrities beg to differ. Braxton announced on Access Hollywood, where you go to with your medical breakthrough news when the New England Journal of Medicine gets all snooty with you about evidence and peer review, that her son Diezel was now fifteen and cured of autism. No word on how long it would take to cure the name Diezel. Or any details on the specific treatment, save for the fact arthritic goats milk is now super expensive thanks to Charlie Sheen’s new AIDS cure.

Famously adored people in particular seem to have issue with their children being less than perfect. Hence, they’re ever on the hunt for alternative and unsupported cures or they’re digging up conspiracies behind why their children have issues. It can’t possibly have come from you. How does perfect make imperfect? Autism is like being born with just one leg. You can learn to walk, get a prosthetic, train like a beast, and someday win yourself a medal running crazy fast like that South African dude who shot his wife (that latter part is entirely optional still). But you were still born with one leg. Just as Toni Braxton was born with strong singing pipes and a penchant for saying stupid shit. It’s genetic. Stick to anecdotal therapeutic tips and encouraging other moms to unburden their kids from stupid names.

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