afternoon headlines

KENDRA – is gonna kill me because I was supposed to mention her St. Patricks Day contest sooner than this. So everyone go do this thing for Kendra. I guarantee (*) the winner gets to have sex with her. (*- these statements are not guaranteed)

GARY DOURDAN – used the things he learned on ‘CSI’ to have his girlfriend arrested after she assaulted him. If I were the cop I’d have a hard time taking this seriously. I’d bring him a cup of cocoa, and say, “aww honey, wha’ happened?” (ew)

AMY POEHLER AND WILL ARNETT – are having another child. This is one of the few couples who should have kids, because those two are both awesome. So they have my blessing. Hopefully this catches on because I’d really like to be put in charge of who lives and who dies. (us)

KIRSTIE ALLEY – went clomp clomp clomp and waddled over to Letterman yesterday to promote her new reality show about her diet and transformation from a fat tub of shit to a fat tub of shit dressed in clothes made for humans. (inf daily)