DAVIE BANDA IS FINALLY SAFE

Being the concerned mother that she is, Madonna has protected her newest purchase with the powerful kabbalah red string bracelet, six inches of magic yarn that you can buy for yourself on the totally-real-not-fakey-sham religions official website, for a very reasonable 26 dollars.   So what do you get for 26 dollars?

"It's purpose is twofold: to protect us from the envious looks of others, and to help us eliminate feelings of jealousy and resentment in ourselves. The technology is the Red String: a strand of red wool worn around the left wrist. This technology is an indispensable tool for spiritual and physical protection."

Could you buy 10 yards of red wool at Michaels for a dime?  You bet.  Would it be enchanted?  No, my fiends, it wouldn’t be.  Please, don't risk it!  DON'T BE A FOOL! But here's the money shot, from the official kabbalah website:

Worn around the left wrist, the Red String works in the same way as the vaccines of modern medicine

Please believe me when I tell you Hollywood is filled with some of the dumbest fucking people on earth.  It's almost unimaginable.  It's a marvel some of them can cross a room without ending up on fire or covered in graffiti and feathers.